Tired & Hating the Dark

(This was originally written about a year and a half ago.)

I'm so tired.  I think that is the worst part of insomnia for me.  I have absolutely no energy. Functioning in everyday life is almost impossible.  Plans get cancelled, projects are left undone, commitments aren't met, and the guilt is enormous.  I used to be able to function with little sleep. But, the older I get the harder it is for me to go without sleep and it seems the older I get, the less sleep I get.

I feel like a prisoner in my own body.  Medications have ceased to work.  This is a battle I have fought since I was 15 years old.  It's not new to me.

Insomnia is a very lonely place.  I've never been afraid of the dark, but I have truly began to dislike it.

Sandman - Insomniac's Interpretation

Mr. Sandman, won't you please let me sleep

I don't care if he's cute as long as I get some sleep

Give him two lips covered in sleep dust

Then tell him that his lonesome nights are over

Sandman, I am so tired

Don't have no sleep to call my own

Please turn on your magic beam

Mr. Sandman, please, please bring me a dream

Mr. Sandman, won't you please let me sleep

I don't care if he's cute as long as I sleep

Give him the word that I'm not a snorer

Then tell him that his lonesome nights are over

Sandman, I am so tired

Don't have no sleep to call my own

Please turn on your magic beam

Mr. Sandman, please, please bring me a dream

Sleepless Frustration

It is 2:10 a.m. and I am unbelievably frustrated.  I cannot sleep. Sleeping pills do nothing for me. Buying them is a waste of money and taking them is pointless.

It's not like I don't get tired.  I get crazy tired and I feel like I'm going to pass out.  But as soon as I lay down; pop, my eyes are wide open and my mind is running 90 miles an hour.

I have suffered with insomnia since I was 15 years old.  I have taken so many different sleeping pills (prescription and OTC) and natural remedies I could probably be classified as a lab rat.

One of the worst side effects of not being able to sleep is that I want to eat everything that isn't nailed to the ground.  Right at this moment, I want to go rummage through the fridge and the cupboards and find snack.  But, I am going to be strong and resist the temptation.  If you follow my other blog, "Losing It," you know that I am on a journey to get healthy and lose weight. Tomorrow morning I have to weigh-in.  So no mindless noshing!

So, I'm wondering, are there any fellow insomniacs out there who have found a solution?  I would love it if you would comment on this post and give me your suggestions.  I've tried a lot of remedies, but I'm willing to bet there are plenty I don't know about.  

Till next time....God bless!

What Happened

Well tonight, technically it was earlier this morning, started out promising.  I was very tired and actually sleepy around 12:30 a.m.  I laid down and drifted off sometime between 1:30 and 2:00 a.m.  Yay...everybody pat hands...not so fast...I woke up at 3:30 a.m. 

It is now 4:30 a.m. and I am blogging and downloading music from iTunes...I'm cool like that!  

So, what happened?  I don't have a clue.  I didn't go to sleep last night (no, wait, it was early yesterday morning) until after 5:00 a.m.  I slept until 10:30 a.m. (that's a really decent amount of sleep for me in one session).  I did not sleep any during the day; no naps.  These facts, combined with my sleepiness earlier, gave me hope that tonight would be a good one.

I'm listening to Jimmy Needham.  That would be the music I was downloading when I was being cool with my multitasking.  I love his voice and his songs have great messages to them.  If you haven't, you should check him out.

I read this quote by Oscar Wilde a day or so ago..."To live is the rarest thing in the world.  Most people exist, that is all."  Isn't that one of the truest and saddest statements you have ever heard?  I know it is for me.  I feel like that's what I'm doing at this moment in my life...just existing.  I don't seem to have the energy to live, but I want to...believe me...I desperately want to live.

It's my desire to live everyday to the fullest extent so that I have no regrets if there is no tomorrow.  With God all things are possible.  I truly believe that and I know that this time in my life is just a season...this too shall pass!

Sleeplessness & Writing

I have suffered from insomnia since I was 15 years old.  I am now 41 and it has only gotten worse.  I used to be able to deal with the deprivation of sleep much better when I was younger.  Another one of the benefits of getting older...feeling like crap and resembling a zombie when you haven't had a decent nights sleep....yeah!

Not sure yet, but I think another side effect of sleeplessness maybe the migraines I have started to suffer with on a very frequent basis these days.  Like I said though, I'm not sure.  At the moment I am waiting to get an appointment with a Neurologist.

Tonight is like so many nights I have.  I am tired, unbelievably so, but I am awake.  It's like there may be a switch inside the brain that normal people turn off when they go to bed and I apparently do not have one of those.

So, what to do with a sleepless night?  Number one, I'm starting this blog.  Number two, I could read.  I love to read, but lately that activity triggers headaches.  Three, I could crochet, but like reading, that also triggers headaches.  It will not surprise me at all if writing/typing does the same.

I am a writer.  Have been my whole life...well, at least since I could read and write.  I've had a few poems and an article published, nothing I got paid for.  I would like to be a paid writer.  So, I have decided to use my sleeplessness to start really focusing on my writing, thus the blog.

Stay tuned....